I don’t want to sound like a broken record talking about how much I love and adore Italy, so I will tell you a different story this time. This one is not all sunshine and flowers, but it was a stepping stone in becoming who I am today, and for that reason I embrace the past in all its darkness and gloominess.
I had a lot of time to reflect on the “big” questions of life during the quarantine period of the 2019 pandemic. After a few years of total freedom of travelling the world and going wherever my heart pleases, I was trapped inside of a room and I was on my own, alone with my thoughts. Questions that had always been there deep in my subconscious started to arise to the surface and I wanted all the answers, NOW! Where did the universe come from? What are we made of? Is life as we perceive it just an illusion of the mind? What is beyond the mind? And having access to the internet, down the rabbit hole I went. I read anything I could find on the subject that has ever been written, whether scientific or religious, from Carl Sagan to Stephen Hawking, Alan Watts to Rumi to Nietzsche.
What had shocked me the most was how little interest most people showed towards these questions, and how nearly no effort was made from their parts to comprehend what I was trying to grasp. There were all these books and articles written from those who seemed to know something that I didn’t, however I still felt alone in my search. Totally isolated, physically and mentally I cut ties with everyone in my life. I could be alone and it didn’t matter because I was going to discover something so profound that would end my search forever and ever. The feeling that everything was pre-destined and I had no control over the external events started to set in around the same time. Something bigger than me was in control, and all I could do was to follow that path. I had to stop fighting what is and surrender, or I would keep suffering.
Bruschetta keeps me going!
Booking a flight to Italy in the middle of the pandemic while there was a country-wide lockdown and while I was in that mental state to find a love affair and start a new life probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do but I did it anyway. After hearing about my sudden decision to pack my bags and move to Italy, a panic took over my family, including my mother, who started making phone calls to relatives and friends to see if we know anyone trustworthy to help me with the logistics of settling down. That is how I got to meet Domenico, a friend of my cousin and the Turkish Honorary Consul in Sicily, who offered to connect me with his contacts to help me find work and an apartment once I arrive there.
Pasta for dinner? I will take two.
I initially went to Rome as there were no direct flights to Sicily, and let this local Italian guy show me around for a few days. I still blame him to this day for the following events that happened and the horrible first impression I had of the country. Everything seemed to be going okay at first, we went to some nice restaurants, and the hotel he arranged for me was comfortable but something strange happened the next day. He told me he would take me to spots where tourists don’t go that were sure to impress me and offered to pick me up early in the morning from my hotel.
Whining (about the world) and dining.
After our morning espresso, he started telling me about the history of Rome, which you can imagine is very long and my attention span at the time was very limited due to my mind being fixated on solving the mystery of the universe. I clearly remember it was a rainy day and I was staring out the car window not paying attention to his constant sharing of information. Then I noticed a pyramid that seemed so out of place that made me come back to the present moment and question if I am in fact in Italy and not stuck in a real-life movie set where I don’t know everyone else is an actor. A little frightened and very confused, our sightseeing journey in Rome continued. After visiting several look-out spots, secret key holes that allow you to see the Vatican perfectly framed from different angles, and some off the beaten path street art that apparently only locals know of, we drove down a street that completely and literally blew my mind.
Rainy day in Rome or Egypt?!
We were stopped at the traffic lights, deep into a discussion about the possibility of humans perceiving colours differently when the light turned green and he told me to look out from the back window of the car. I quickly turned around to see a view of the St. Peter’s Basilica, and the further we got from the dome, the bigger it seemed to become! Everything happened so fast and so suddenly that my brain couldn’t register what had happened until the next day. He explained to me later that it was an optical illusion but left me with so many unanswered questions when he couldn’t properly clarify what was causing it. I wasn’t going to give up on it so quickly so I went back again on my own and spent more time than I would like to admit walking up and down the street trying to make sense of it but ended up even more confused. There was absolutely no real-life explanation other than the fact that it could be a hologram.
Where it all started.
Puzzled by the puzzle of life, I continued my trip to Sicily as intended. I called Domenico to inform him about my time of arrival and boarded the bus for the journey to Catania, and the rest is a blur. All the confusion, trying to make sense of it all combined with bottled-up aggression came up to the surface in an instant and when I consciously opened my eyes I was already back home in Turkey. I will not go much more into detail and just say that I didn’t end up moving to Sicily that year.
Italy still remains a mystery to me and that is one of the reasons why I keep going back. I am now back in Sicily, re-visiting the same spots with new eyes and realizing once again that heaven and hell exist in the same dimension. The mind is powerful enough to convince us into whatever we think and believe is the absolute truth. It becomes crucial to learn to control it and rise above it, to avoid unnecessary suffering and self-sabotage. As simple as it sounds, being able to stare at the sea and truly appreciate the beauty of its colours is a luxury few people get to experience in a lifetime. I would not yet call myself a guru but physically returning back to the same place after four years made me realize how far I have come in my path of learning to not judge the process and just enjoy without any attachment. I no longer analyse and try to understand the why’s of life, knowing full well that it all makes sense in the grand scheme of things.
Catching up with Domenico after some years.
If you are a free spirit like me, you must know that being able to fly like a bird from place to place comes with its challenges. Making a spontaneous decision to settle down in a country where you don’t speak the local language is a bold move and should be treated as such. For that reason, I sincerely thank Domenico for all his help during both my visits to Sicily, especially the first time, while I was not so easy to deal with. He knows that I was trying to make sense of life on earth while all I wanted to do was to have margaritas on the beach.
Enjoying the beauty of the world and consciously noticing it wherever we look is the least we can do to remain peaceful. And I hope this post reaches whoever needs to read it so that you realize you are not alone in your struggles and everything you experience is valid and real, no matter how crazy it may sound while you try to explain to others.
That being said, if you feel called to explore Italy, you might enjoy reading my Epic Italy Road Trip post.
Travelling long term is fun but constantly arranging transport & hotels for yourself can be exhausting if you don’t know where to look. I use the following platforms to make my booking process a breeze:
For researching & booking the best flights:
For researching & booking the best buses & trains:
